Avez-vous fait la Grèce ?

Avec la fin des vacances, et le retour au bureau, je reprends contact avec cette tribu qui reste pour moi très exotique : les collègues de travail. Depuis des années j’observe leurs rituels, leur organisation sociale, leurs signes de reconnaissance, et, plus étrange que tout, leur manière de s’exprimer. Les collègues de travail emploient une langue bien particulière, au vocabulaire volontairement simplifié, permettant d’échanger les concepts essentiels à leur survie : quelle heure pour la pause, quel programme à la télé ce soir, quel score tu fais à démineur, et accessoirement comment améliorer les ratios d’efficacité de notre service clients. Il y a également des préoccupations plus saisonnières, telles que les augmentations de salaire les entretiens d’appréciation, le planning des congés annuels et, on est en plein dedans, les compte-rendus des retours de vacances. Et là, dans son langage codifié et ritualisé, le collègue de travail utilise la phrase définitive, le mot qui tue : « Cette année, on a fait la Grèce, vu que l’année dernière on avait déjà fait la Turquie. »

A cet instant précis, sous l’effet de cet arcane maléfique, un peu comme les rayons gamma sur Hulk, le newbie (habituellement discret et inoffensif) subit une horrible métamorphose… et devient Grammarbolchevik !!! (bah oui, parce que nazi, franchement, je ne peux pas), le super commissaire politique chargé de contrôler le bon emploi de la grammaire et du vocabulaire. Je vous rassure, la transformation ne se voit pas de l’extérieur (d’autant que même en temps normal, je me trimballe toujours avec mon vieux sac à dos élimé offert par  le journal l’Humanité).

« On a fait la Grèce »
Le vocabulaire de mes collègues est tellement spécial qu’en temps habituels je n’y prête plus attention, mais « on a fait la Grèce » (ou l’Espagne, ou le Kamchatka, ou Villeneuve-Saint-Georges) me révulse. Ce n’est pas seulement que sur le plan lexical, le verbe « faire  » se substitue à tout autre verbe pourtant plus explicite et plus précis, tel que visiter, explorer, découvrir, etc, non. C’est surtout que ce verbe « faire » s’impose sur le mode définitif, « jai fait la Grèce » donc plus besoin d’y aller, « ça, c’est fait« . Le colon perce sous le touriste. Maintenant que Monique et moi avons « fait » la Grèce, les autochtones peuvent dormir tranquilles. Leur pays lointain rempli de vieux temples tous cassés a eu l’honneur de notre visite.

« On habite sur Clamart »
Remarquez, ce sont les mêmes collègues qui habitent « sur » Clamart (et non à Clamart), ce qui suppose que la nuit, ils dorment dans une montgolfière. Ou sur un tapis volant. Si ce fait est avéré, on peut comprendre que dotés de tels moyens, ils soient réellement en mesure de « faire la Grèce« . En tapis volant, tout est possible. Et mes collègues c’est Aladin et son génie.

« Je suis très voyages »
D’ailleurs, Aladin mon collègue me l’a confirmé :  »moi, je suis très voyages« . Il aurait pu ajouter qu’il est très voyageur, ou bien qu’il voyage souvent et avec plaisir, ce qui lui procure tant d’occasions de « faire » tous ces pays exotiques. Mais « être très voyages » n’est pas qu’une inclination, ni même qu’un hobby : c’est une vocation, une prédisposition, un don inné que les fées n’ont pas dispensé à tous les berceaux. Toi, pauvre quidam, tu claques tes agios Finaref à acheter des billets d’Easy Jet pour Djerba, mais ton collègue, lui, il est très voyages. Tu saisis la différence? C’est bien, tu commences à comprendre.

« La soeur à Monique »
De retour de vacances, le collègue précise qu’il n’a pas fait que la Grèce. Il a aussi passé une semaine au Chambon sur Lignon, dans la maison de la soeur à Monique. Bon, normalement je ne fais même plus attention, et je me contente de graver à poings nus une stèle de granit en mémoire de la disparition définitive de la préposition « de« , massivement assassinée par  »à« . De toutes façons, au point où en est je n’en ai plus rien à faire, la soeur en question mérite bien de n’être qu’à Monique, et puis voilà.

« C’était juste génial »
A ce stade, Grammarbolchevik a déjà envoyé la moitié de ses collègues au goulag. Le combat est sanglant, mais certains résistent encore, et reviennent une dernière fois à la charge avec la nouvelle arme à la mode : « Mykonos, c’était juste génial« . Ce « juste« , tout droit issu d’un « Just do it » yankee de sinistre mémoire, sonne comme un uppercut à la mâchoire de celui qui tente de savoir si les vacances se sont bien passées. Question de simple convenance, vous vous en doutez, car en réalité on se fiche de savoir si l’hôtel du collègue était bien situé, et s’il y a passé ses nuits à faire des galipettes avec Monique ou plutôt à chasser le moustique, une tong à la main. La réponse, ce « juste génial« , est encore plus définitif que « j’ai fait la Grèce« , et plus fort que le « trop génial« , passé de mode. On aurait pu toutefois espérer qu’il nous dispense des détails croustillants et pittoresques sur le contenu du séjour, mais non, il n’était là que comme une avant-garde, pour nous tester, tandis que le gros de l’armée se profilait derrière.

En désespoir de cause, la force de conviction ne valant rien contre le nombre, il ne me reste plus qu’à attendre que la prochaine réunion de service interrompe les joutes verbales, et replace la communication entre collègues dans le contexte strictement professionnel (oui, c’est possible, et même, des fois, ça arrive).

« Au jour d’aujourd’hui »
Ainsi débute, assez invariablement, toute intervention d’un animateur qui se voit dans la position inconfortable de commenter le powerpoint plein de chiffres dont il n’est pas l’auteur. « Au jour d’aujourd’hui« , par sa longueur et par sa redondance, entraîne un effet soporifique recherché, qui décourage les participants d’écouter attentivement ce qui suit, et donc de poser des questions. Seul le Grammarbolchevik lèvera le doigt, et savourera sa revanche sur ses collègues endormis : « au jour d’aujourd’hui » est un double pléonasme, ce qui le rend doublement pénible à l’oreille. Grammarbolchevik peut enfin faire admirer, dans le silence qui règne dans les réunions, sa supériorité syntaxique. L’animateur aura beau user de tous ses beaux mots patiemment appris en sessions de formation, tels que:  »finaliser« , « impacter« , « performer« , « faire remonter« , « revenir vers vous » etc, c’est trop tard. Force reste à la grammaire.

Ayant ainsi ruiné l’ambiance, et accessoirement tout le capital sympathie dont il pouvait se targuer auprès de ses collègues, Grammarbolchevik peut redevenir l’innocent newbie, en savourant sa victoire. Mais elle n’est que temporaire : dès demain, c’est un autre collègue qui revient, de Salou, du Cap d’Agde ou de Propriano, et méfiance : soyez sûr que celui-là aura « fait la Corse« . Ce n’est pas gagné.

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    Je suis presqu’autant choqué par l’emploi d’anglicismes dégueulasses comme « performer » que par le reste. C’est moche, c’est faux, c’est prétentieux.

    Mais bon, rassurons-nous, tant que personne n’a fait la sœur à Monique, l’honneur est sauf.

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